Wow! It amazes me how much God can teach me in a matter of weeks. I have a whole new outlook on life this year. I don't know why except that maybe God has shown me how to appreciate the things I have. And I seem to have lost my procrastination. Now, granted it is only 3 weeks into the semester but usually I'm far gone by that time. I start projects two days early so I have an extra day to let it sit and look it over. It's so much more peaceful.

Also, my quiet times have been so much better lately. I think it's because of the thing I'm doing with lifeguards so I actually have scheduled times to pray and read and stuff. I really want to learn how to pray this year so I'm taking opportunities at school here to do that more. I have to say that the questions for lifeguards are a little elementary and bore me at times, but I'm going to continue doing them and hope that I learn something out of them. At least I'm getting more disciplined.

My classes this semester are amazing! I'm taking Bible for Teachers which teaches us how to teach the Bible. The professor is this woman who is one of the smartest people I know. Her knowledge amazes me. I would love to sit and talk to her for a long time. The other class I love is Marriage and Family. We haven't even started talking about marriage yet but I have learned so much about being transformed to be like Christ. It's so cool!

Lastly I have learned a lot about relationships. I have learned a lot about how ungrateful I am from my roommate. She has a had a lot of obstacles to overcome in getting here and yet she is so happy. I have done nothing but complain, complain, complain. Also, I have to give a little update about Scott. I haven't talked about him much because the situation is kind of confusing. However, I really like him a lot and I could talk to him for hours about anything. I miss him like crazy when I'm here and really look forward to talking to him. So, the problem is that we're only friends so he doesn't call as much as I would like. I'm glad that he sets boundaries for us since I would love to talk to him all the time. But it's so hard letting go of that feeling and letting God be my Everything. And I have to overcome the thoughts that he doesn't like me anymore or that he is just not calling me because he know it makes me mad. Knowing his character and what he has said, I know that isn't true. Trust is an extremely hard thing. I really think this is a good time for us of just having a friendship. I am learning a lot.

Father, I love You more than anything. Help me to trust You in every area of my life. My whole world seems to be so confusing at times and I don't know what You want me to do, but I will follow Your guidance. As I walk, please order my steps. Thank You for teaching me more about You every day. I want to fall more in love with You and grow more intimate with You. Change me and transform me to the likeness of Jesus. Less of me and more of You. I love You!

Well, I know this is a lot and I could probably write more but I won't. I have a little homework left tonight so I'm gonna go do it.

Sometimes I am such a retard. I blow up the smallest thing as if it were the end of the world. I hate being like this. God, set my eyes on things above. Learning how to trust God is one of those lessons that never stops. It's just so amazing to know that even though everything in life is so uncertain, at the end of the day I can crawl into my Daddy's lap and experience His peace. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, in this world that can compare to Him. I don't care if everything in my life is stripped from me, as long as I have my Jesus, it will be okay. I just read one of my favorite Scriptures which put everything back into perspective:

"Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant. I've dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him."
-Philippians 3:8

No matter what I face, I want this to be the focus of my life. Everything else is dumb in comparison.

Well, I'm not really finished but I've gotta go eat dinner.

My week has been so boring. My manager hardly put me on the schedule this week so I've been sitting at home being bored. I got to work tonight and I had fun because I was out of the house.

Tomorrow morning I leave for Salkehatchie with Ashley. We'll be gone for a week which will be really nice. I need to get away from certain things before I go crazy. And I'm so glad I'll be with Ashley Crawley all week because I love hanging out with her and we don't get to spend much time together because of our schedules. So, I will be spending all week fixing up a house for someone and I'm looking forward to it because it's not often that I get to do something that's totally for someone else and doesn't benefit me in anyway. Hopefully, that'll help me with my selfishness problems.

Well, I don't have much to say, but I will miss you all!

See ya next week.

It's been awhile since I've written. I've been struggling a lot with stuff I don't really want to write about but I think God's helping me work it out. It's such a freeing experience to totally trust Him with stuff that I can't figure out on my own.

'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus
Just to take Him at His word
Just to rest upon His promise
Just to know He is the Lord

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust You
How I proved You o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus
O for grace to trust you more.

So, I was listening to some music on my computer just now and I came across this song called "Deeds" by Sanctus Real.

You think that faith is where you sit in a sunday morning
You've got a front row seat where you can be seen snoring
Throughout the week you live your life inside a bubble
You find your happiness avoiding people's thoughts
Your life revolves around yourself,
You don't treat others very well
You say your faith will get you by and that you won't be left behind
You might be right, but that's not good enough
 
If you don't have deeds you have nothing at all
If you don't have faith your deeds will fall
They can't be true without each other
You can't have one without the other

You know I can't see thinking
That I'd be better off living just for selfish ambition,
No I know that faith is more than just believing
We should do the right things, for the right reasons

While reading these lyrics, it just hit me that I am totally self-centered. Not that that was a huge shock to me. I've known that my whole life. But lately I have been doing so good with my quiet times and really working on growing closer to God. And I really have grown a lot this summer. But what good is it, if I'm stuck in some little bubble. I treat my parents like crap. I treat some of my friends like crap. I always have to have my own way. And again it is no big shock to me, but I just realized that God is not pleased with my attitude. What good is my faith if I don't have love? And I can say that I love others, but if I don't treat those closest to me with love then I am lying to myself. And I really want to go out of my way to do nice things for my parents and friends, but I am so self-absorbed that I don't even think about it half the time.

God, I am so sorry for my self-centeredness. Please help me to see outside of myself and see what others need. Especially help me to honor my parents the way that they deserve to be honored. My life is totally unimportant in the big picture and the only thing that matters is how I treat others. Please help me to remove the self-absorption box that has surrounded me. Thank You for loving me in spite of myself. I love You so much.

I haven't written anything because I have no idea what to say. I can't believe Pastor Tony is gone. I just keep thinking about what an amazing man he was. I came into the college class under his leadership and I remember how much he cared about us and about the students at Winthrop. Every week he poured out his heart to us in Sunday school and most of us complained and took it for granted because he was a little boring at times. At least he cared enough to teach us. He and Joyce started a Bible study on the Purpose Driven Life and we complained yet again that the book was boring. He organized 2 trips to Montana because his heart was reaching people who had nothing. And even though he couldn't go on the second one because of his daughter's wedding, he supported us every step of the way. He took us to Columbia to work on a house for Christ Central. He told us of his plans to reach out to the people of Fort Mill using sidewalk sunday school and food and stuff for poor people. He had an amazing heart for missions and outreach. We all could learn something from his example. Pastor Tony was an amazing man of God and it's so sad that he is no longer here to carry out his vision. I can't even begin to imagine how his family must feel. It's awful. Like everyone else has said, nothing seems important compared to this.

I found out this morning that Jessica's (my brother's girlfriend) cousin died in Iraq. And then there's Lauren's cousin. Could it get any worse? I wonder why God hits us with things all at once. It always seems to happen that way. Death sucks.

I should learn to not take the people I love for granted.

I don't understand Your ways, God. But I guess if I could then You wouldn't be God. Please let Your will be done in all this, even if it makes no sense to me. Blessed be Your name, God. "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways," declares the Lord. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts." -Isaiah 55:8-9

I do not recommend the Jars of Clay CD that I was listening to
yesterday. It is one of the worst CDs I have listened to in a long
time.

You know what I hate? When people stand you up. When they promise
you that they will do something with you and then back out. Especially
because the only reason they do it is because they never really wanted
to in the first place. Well, then why do they agree to go along at
first? And it's okay if people do that every so often because sometimes
it's necessary. But when it happens every week, it really starts to
tick me off. And it makes me even more mad when they promise you they
will be somewhere and then they sit on their lazy butt all day long and
can't even make it to the place on time and totally miss what they came
to see.

Although this is a negative journal entry, I would like to make
a little shout out to Ashley Crawley who turns 20 today. She's out of
town right now and I miss her like crazy but I will see her tomorrow at
her birthday celebration. So, if you read this Ashley, "Happy Birthday!!!"

What a long day! I worked all day which I really enjoy except for certain things which I'd rather not write about in case people read this. I hate ticking people off. I always feel bad even if it is their fault to begin with.

Church tonight was really good! Angie and I did a really dumb skit and made fools of ourselves but that's cool. Pastor Glenn's message was amazing as usual. He's preaching about praise right now and I am really learning so much. Like about how we should continuously praise God throughout the day. It's really cool to do that and I can see a difference in my outlook. However, it seems that when I constantly pray and praise God that I get so emotionally exhausted and then I stop doing it altogether. I don't know why I get like that, like I can only handle so much at one time. Anyways, I guess it's something I have to keep working on.

After church tonight, a few of us went to Taco Bell. Ryan and I stayed in the parking lot til 1 discussing sin, calvinism, and all sorts of theological things. I absolutely love those kind of discussions. But I got to thinking and I never want to get to the point where I'm so focused on knowing more about a subject than him and lose the message of God's love and grace. Isn't that the most important thing?

Speaking of grace, I am reading a really good book called What's So Amazing about Grace by Philip Yancey and it's totally opening my eyes. First, is the area of forgiveness. No matter what people do to me I must extend grace to them because that is what God has done for me. My brother said something really profound (or at least I thought so) a few weeks ago. "No matter how people act, you must always respond in love." Coming from my brother, that was totally amazing to me and I really am trying to take that to heart. It's so hard though. But this book has shown me how we are all guilty even if I am not as bad as other people I know. We are all sinners who have been saved by God's grace. I've listened to people at work and others around me who act self-righteous and take mistakes and sins that other people have done and hold it against them. It made me realize that I do the same thing to those around me and it's totally wrong. God gave me a second chance so shouldn't I give others a second chance? I have no other response that I rightfully can give and I certainly can't judge.

Here's my quote from the book that I thought was really cool:
"The scene from John 8 rattles me because by nature I identify more with the accusers than the accused. I deny far more than I confess. Cloaking my sins under a robe of respectability, I seldom if ever let myself get caught in a blatant, public indiscretion. Yet if I understand this story correctly, the sinful woman is the one nearest the kingdom of God. Indeed, I can only advance in the kingdom if I become like that woman: trembling, humbled, without excuse, my palms open to receive God's grace."

This has been really long. I guess I just have a lot on my mind.

Yay! I finally found an online journal I like. So, my first post should be pretty meaningful, huh? I had a great day today. I went shopping with my mom today and got some cool stuff including some cheap books from the Christian bookstore. Went to drama tonight which went on forever. Pastor Glenn gave me a whole bunch of new CDs for the product table which made me happy. I'm listening to them right now. Well, I don't really have any deep thoughts right now, so I guess that's it.